You Are Not A Bad Person – My Struggle With OCD
The OCD I struggle with is I have a hard time believing I am a good person. It is difficult to explain and put into words and it wouldn’t do any good to go into detail, but I often feel like I am worse than what I really am. The feeling of worthlessness and constant guilt was difficult to have as a kid, and it was even more difficult to believe that these thoughts were irrational and false. As I have grown up and spoken with more and more individuals who suffer from anxiety and depression I have found this to be the most common form of OCD among those I have met with.
The irrationalities I have found in myself and others range from the feeling of guilt because someone did not obey their parents to religious guilt from sins they did not commit. Now when I say guilt, I mean an unhealthy amount of guilt to the point that the person feels they can never be good again. However, there is one commonality that every single person I have talked to with this issue has, and that is they are sensitive individuals.
I can’t speak for all of these individuals but I know for myself that when I was in my darkest moments, all around me I would hear people say something like this, “Those who are depressed can just snap out of it,” or “those who are depressed just aren’t living a fulfilling life.” Talk about lies! As if the lies that were going on in my head weren’t enough, the lies from people around me only made me feel like a worse person. But as time went on I knew that the only reason these people made these comments were because they had never experienced anything like depression or anxiety. As I realized that, I knew that I wasn’t a bad person and that the feelings I had were only extreme feelings of a desire to become a better individual. There is nothing wrong with wanting to become better, but there is something wrong when you take that desire and beat yourself up. But if you have that desire, then it is impossible for you to be a bad person. You can be an imperfect person (like the rest of humanity) but you are not a bad person because your desire is to do better!
So lets get real here. Although it takes time to get over these irrational thoughts, if you have a desire to be better, then you cannot be a bad person. Imperfection is part of life, and the desire to change and do better tomorrow is only a sign you are one of the best that are on this earth.